Modern British Comics

“I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.”
Les Dawson

“There are only two conditions where you’re allowed to wake up a woman on a lie-in: it’s snowing or the death of a celebrity.”
Michael McIntyre

“Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.”
Sara Pascoe

“What do you call an alsatian in a grey jumper? A plain-clothes police dog.”
Harry Hill

“A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.”
Sean Lock

“I said, ‘It’s serious doctor, I’ve broken my arm in 20 places.’ He said: ‘Well stop going to those places.’
Tommy Cooper

“Snooker is the best. Snooker is basically tidying up disguised as sport.”
Jon Richardson

“My wedding was like a fairy tale. It wasn’t magical; it’s just that I’ve got an ugly sister.”
Ellie Taylor, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2015

“I got a package in the post last week, and on it it said, ‘Please don’t bend.’ So how was I supposed to pick it up?”
Lee Mack

“A cement mixer has ­collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.”
Ronnie Corbett

“When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits.”
Frank Skinner

The Complete Guide to Modern Existence

Everyone has an agenda and it is never yours.

Politicians never tell the truth. This is not the same as lying. Learning the difference will save you endless heartache.

Countries cannot be enemies, only people can be enemies. Don’t generalise.

Idiots can get elected. Be wary of the image you hold in your mind of anyone. That image isn’t the person.

I love dogs but they will never be a substitute for loving a child. But a child not brought up with dogs is deprived.

Cities are bad places to live. Run your life so you only ever have to visit.

If you don’t get on with your family, choose a new one. Blood relations are not the end of close relations.

Pure green tea might be good for you but ugh…sometimes it’s bitter.

People who love you are with you.

Everything wears out and what you wear outdoors tells people everything about you so – dress in secret.

Nature intends nothing she is being experimental.

Trying to be ethical is the only self-rule worth a damn.

A Joke To End 2011

So you think someone is in charge of the universe?

 

…………………………………….

 

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above:

“Saul, sell your business.” He ignores it. It goes on for days. “Saul, sell your business for $3 million.”

After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says “Saul, go to Las Vegas.” He asks

“Why?”

“Saul, just take the $3 million to Las Vegas.” He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says,

“Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand.” He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing.

“Saul, take a card.”

What? The dealer has me beat!”

“Take a card!” He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy.

“Saul, take another card.”

“What?”

“TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty.

“Saul, take another card,” the voice commands.

“I have twenty!” Saul shouts.

“TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes,

“Un-fucking-believable!”

Positive Misunderstanding

I do have an understanding of the calmly, unpretentious religious people of the world and rather like this joke.

The Jews of Rome were going to be expelled and they asked the Pope to allow them to stay and after some deliberation with his Cardinals he agreed to let them stay if they could defeat him in an argument on the substantive beliefs of Christianity as against Judaism without saying a word. This gave the Jewish community some heartache as they knew their best scholars could argue but did not have sufficient knowledge of Christianity, so the shoemaker stepped forward and volunteered to argue with the Pope.

On the day appointed the Pope opened up the argument by raising three fingers. The shoemaker raised one finger in response. The Pope then threw open his arms and the shoemaker pointed to his feet. Finally the Pope in desperation showed him the Eucharist wafer and the shoemaker took out and polished an apple and bit into it.

“That’s it,” said the Pope, “you win.”

The Pope looked at his Cardinals and said, “I showed him God was three but he pointed out that God is also one, I told him God is everywhere and he pointed out that he is also in this room. Then I showed him the saving body of Christ and he pointed out that the apple in the Garden of Eden means we are all still fallen.”

The scholars asked the shoemaker what had happened because they were confused. “Well first he said we had three days to leave and I told him not one of us was going. Then he said he was going to cast us all out and I told him I was staying right where I was standing. And then…”

“And then yes,” urged the scholars.

“And then I don’t know because he took out his lunch and I took out mine.”

Adult Humour

I am a fan of hilarious one-line jokes.

I put a skylight in my apartment recently – the people upstairs are furious.

Of course things are always in the last place you look. You don’t find something and then say I’ll just take another look over there.

Why do elephants have corrugated feet? To give the mice a fifty-fifty chance.

If you had six apples and  I took away four what would you have left? A very bad reason for staying in business.

Sometimes they are just plain silly, sometimes they turn the tables on what you expect from the assumptions you have made about the world. Humour they say, is a way of communicating important lessons about the world but whatever comedians say, the messages always stay humorous. It is easy to encapsulate something about human behaviour – be it racism, paedophilia or whatever – in a gag that makes a point but never stops being a gag. That’s why comedians don’t actually ever change public opinion.

Of course we come away saying ‘they are so right’ but we are laughing and that makes us feel good. Good that we got the point? Good that we see what the comedian sees? Good that we have been a little risqué, that the envelope of taste and acceptability has been pushed a little higher? Many years ago someone at college gave me a joke for anyone. You choose the nation you don’t like and insert it at ‘x’.

Why are there only two people at a ‘x’ funeral? It only takes two to hold a dustbin.

The Oldest Revolution In The World

There is a website ( http://www.endoftheinternet.com/ ) which states that it is the end of the Internet. It is a kind of in-joke for all those people on the Net and who understand how the Net works. It is also just a joke to share with everyone, rather than being a joke site, it is simply a fun statement. Organisation all over the world have in-jokes that make those in-the-know laugh, some of the funniest are said during wars and all politicians laugh at their own foibles. It is very important to be able to laugh. Psychologists say it helps one handle stress and depression and is extremely healthy, a wholly natural medicine.

It doesn’t cure one of anything, it doesn’t change anything, but in making one feel amused whilst going about the same old business day-after-day, it alleviates and lightens one mind. Quite literally in some cases. It is always important no matter what one does to have an end of the Internet glance at what one is doing. Laughter is reason’s safety valve.

To those of you who pop over to see what the end of the Internet looks like I don’t suggest you leave your e-mail address. The site gets visited by all sorts of people and you know where they have been to get there.

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