Modern British Comics

“I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.”
Les Dawson

“There are only two conditions where you’re allowed to wake up a woman on a lie-in: it’s snowing or the death of a celebrity.”
Michael McIntyre

“Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.”
Sara Pascoe

“What do you call an alsatian in a grey jumper? A plain-clothes police dog.”
Harry Hill

“A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.”
Sean Lock

“I said, ‘It’s serious doctor, I’ve broken my arm in 20 places.’ He said: ‘Well stop going to those places.’
Tommy Cooper

“Snooker is the best. Snooker is basically tidying up disguised as sport.”
Jon Richardson

“My wedding was like a fairy tale. It wasn’t magical; it’s just that I’ve got an ugly sister.”
Ellie Taylor, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2015

“I got a package in the post last week, and on it it said, ‘Please don’t bend.’ So how was I supposed to pick it up?”
Lee Mack

“A cement mixer has ­collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.”
Ronnie Corbett

“When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits.”
Frank Skinner

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